There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
You Might Also Like
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
hate when dogs are anxious. you don’t even understand the concept of money
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football lineups on and off for 8 hours
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Just once, I’d like to have a fully baked idea.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio