There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
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I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO
I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!
Oh wait.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Ion see the issue
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
wow
