Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns

[Camping]

Her: You didn’t bring food?

Him: No

Her: Or toilet paper?

Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?

Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.

English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather

21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31

31 year old me: lmao nope

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window

… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.

living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.

Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!

“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”

[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme

Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.

Me: I made this belt out of herbs

Her: why?

Me: oh, just waisting some thyme

Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!

Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!

Parents: lol no we meant a real job.

To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”

[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack

Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.

BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.

He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.

Therapist: How do you feel?

Me: With my hands.

T: Do you deflect a lot?

Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.

CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless

Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right

*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*

[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan

Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.

It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number

Me: What do you want for breakfast?

Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!

Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?

BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add

Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.

[Flat-earth expedition log]

Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.

Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.

Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.

cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—

me: lemme stop you right there. yes