There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Haha good job!!
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”