@alispagnola

There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.

You Might Also Like

@Reverend_Scott

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?

Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR

For speeding.

@IvoryGazelle

Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube

@PeaceInTruth1

Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.

@AJslackie

Feed me once shame on you, Feed me twice i’m moving in.

@Darlainky

*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.

@AthenaMystique

*texts god*

Me: yo, can we add “being a grammar nazi” to the list of sins? Their annoying.
God: *they’re

@Jeffwni

Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.