@alispagnola

There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.

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@TattleTSister

Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.

@AnOrangeSNES

“Honey the baby is crowning!”

*Lifts up hospital gown*

“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”

@HatfieldAnne

Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”

Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”

@karencheee

Going to the gym is such a great workout. I never actually enter the building, but the walk there is nice. Sometimes I even walk back.

@hell_homer

btw I learned this tonight: DO NOT image search “scrotum” because people only post pictures using a medical name if there’s something wrong

@ComedicBust

*Blind Date*

Her: Ask me anything..

Me: Do you know how to properly layer nachos?

Her: Are you seri..

Me: *flips table*

@causticbob

Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.

@donni

I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary

@partlyfunny

Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?