@alispagnola

There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.

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@NicestHippo

[god to lions]
You will be the symbol of power and prestige
[sees the crickets]
Ew. Uh…you guys just yell real loud when a comedian bombs

@AJslackie2

Her: i’m in the mood

Me: me too

Her: wanna do it

Me: oh yeah baby

[we drive to Home Depot to look at paint]

@DannyZuker

Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.

@murfer28

I don’t want to lock my account because I like to help my X’s feel better about themselves when they check in & make sure I’m still a drunk.

@_salt_n_lime

I’m never more aware of the echo in a public restroom than when my kid yells out, “Hey Mom, are you pooping?”

@TylerFoFyler

I’m not saying I did terrible things last night, but Satan just woke up on my couch and won’t make eye contact.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.

@GlennyRodge

“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.

@jazmasta

Yeah baby, I’m the lead singer in a band. Well, more of a backing singer. More of a Drummer. Triangle player..Roadie. I Saw a band once.