@alispagnola

There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.

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@riesypiecey

its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.

@Social_Mime

Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?

@UnicornSyrup

I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.

@maisondecris

Impressing the McDonaldโ€™s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority

@bourgeoisalien

I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.

@ixix82

*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*

@rickkondell

Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.