Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
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When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
Feed me once shame on you, Feed me twice i’m moving in.
What is the worst kind of pasta and why do you think it’s penne?
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Me: yo, can we add “being a grammar nazi” to the list of sins? Their annoying.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.