There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.

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Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.


“Honey the baby is crowning!”

*Lifts up hospital gown*

“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”


Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”

Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”


Going to the gym is such a great workout. I never actually enter the building, but the walk there is nice. Sometimes I even walk back.


btw I learned this tonight: DO NOT image search “scrotum” because people only post pictures using a medical name if there’s something wrong


*Blind Date*

Her: Ask me anything..

Me: Do you know how to properly layer nachos?

Her: Are you seri..

Me: *flips table*


Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.


I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary


Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?