There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
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i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
The one thing I miss about school is never doing my homework.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
going to the ER y’all need anything
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin