There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
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If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
I love twitter
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Me: [smiling]
Phone: face not recognized
Me: [stuffing my mouth with tacos]
Phone: oh there you are
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
serving silly goose instead of turkey
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.