Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.

I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.

Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry

Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:

Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again

Yeah, I use She pronouns.

But not like a girl, like a boat.

Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.

Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.

I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian

Judge: You have power of attorney?

Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?

breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title

my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together

Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?

Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.

T:

Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…

Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.

I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.

“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”

– Call Center Training

Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”

[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]

[pet store]

me: are the birds expensive?

employee: they’re going cheap

me: I know how they work

I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.

Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*

Everybody: *Hurts*

Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.

5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.

Apparently I am the fly.

Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”

And he can, he can hold them all.

“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”

-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for

King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.

Captain America taught me that I just need to take performance enhancing drugs to be loved by everyone

The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.

This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage