Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time

Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.

My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?

Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-

My wife: I understand.

*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*

Me: Let’s do this!

Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.

Me: Bring it, loser!

“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.

8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?

ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch

8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?

Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.

I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.

I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*

Toddler: *crawling across the desert*

Kind stranger: *offers water*

Toddler: No, red cup!

“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me

* heats water for tea in the microwave *

* delights at the reactions from purists *

Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”

me: that’s my wife susan

him: please pass the salt, ma’am

me: idk she’s pretty lazy

her: [rotates entire table]

me: but strong

[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?

BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal

That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman

My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.

If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?

agent: may i please have your account number

me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times

agent: sorry about that

me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer

agent: ideally, yes

me:

agent: may i please have your account number

People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.

Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss

whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!

Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.

No problem, I’ll get you another one.

Thanks, but make sure she likes football.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Me: I have a toothache
WebMD: Your dad is the Zodiac killer

Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*

My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?

Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*

How is it still this week?

Destined to be a firefighter from birth.

Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.

Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken

George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.

My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.