there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
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I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Saw someone get offended online and comment “two shay” and I can’t stop thinking about it
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”