There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
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I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
what are they serving at kfc then???
c’mon!
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.