There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
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[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
There’s never enough good news
