There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
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“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
stretching isn’t enough I need to be able to disassemble my body like legos
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
I cleaned under the fridge and the stove. Found 47 dog treats and 3 ibuprofen. So an even 50 treats then.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)