There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx![]()
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I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
#NoRestForTheWicked
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if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
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This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.
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Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.
NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.