Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.

When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.

Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.

[in ambulance after being shot]

can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?

“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”

Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch

I’m sorry…

…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.

Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!

Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?

Me: why…did it sneeze?

Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”

Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃

A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.

You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea

Me: it’s cold and wet.

Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?

Me: n-no.

Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.

Me: why?

Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.

Me:

Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.

Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.

Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.

[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]

Me: *nods in agreement*

[On the way home from school pick-up]

Me: So, what did you do at school today?

9: I burned down everything that exists.

5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?

9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.

Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!

Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!

I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…

*slides deodorant across the table*

I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number

Avoidance is expensive

How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.

People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.

jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale

[Orca Winfrey Show]

ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!

AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.

Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.

Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”

Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.

It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.

My neighbor is trimming his tree by using a sawzall and a 17 foot ladder so I moved my cars to be sure there’s enough space for when the ambulance shows up

I recently took a pole

And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed