Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.

My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”

I’m giving up ice.

Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.

It was a tampede.

A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.

So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.

Tired: Clapping when the plane lands

Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives

Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb

The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.

I had to cancel my summer concert tour due to lack of ticket sales too so I know how Jennifer Lopez is feeling right now

I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.

How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?

In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house

Me too, bag. Me too….

Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]

Me: wait—

Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]

Me: wtf

Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE

I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”

There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.

I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows

Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”

“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.

The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.

Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.

11: can I see one of your last tweets?

Me: *pulls up tweet*

11: no, I meant a funny one

imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.

I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.

Look at this