Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS

I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 goose

Looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread

starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side

I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.

You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.

told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card

Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.

“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”

My wife left me for my best friend.

Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.

Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.

Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy

Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you

I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house

some cats are just doing for fun!

A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.

A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.

Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!

Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.

3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?

My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.

I asked him how he was coping.

He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.

Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now

*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG

Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.

Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.

*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*

What are you doing!?

W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here

I know it’s traditional to start work at 9, but I think we could lower that age to 8.

You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.

*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson

[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here

Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.

Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this

Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.