There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
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Heroic Misunderstanding
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Water isn’t for putting out wildfires. It’s for powering a machine that lets me hear what it would sound like if Cartman read my grandpa’s will
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room