Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: So what brings you in today?

Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.

North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.

My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool

Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.

Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.

I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.

Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish

Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else

My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.

*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*

Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —

Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?

Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:

Had to try this trend 😊

IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?

Me: They’re my dependencies.

IRS: It’s “dependents.”

Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?

I wish all tests were things you peed on

Fun tip:

Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.

*thumbs up*

Them: We should go for a walk in the park

Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?

Them:

Me: Oh right, exercise

COP: pull over

ME: lol no it’s a cardigan

Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy

I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.

So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978

Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.

Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.

if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.

The only real importance in life is getting ahead.

Head. I meant to say head.

What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.

Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.

Nurse: You can come inside now.

*Stands up*

*Dusts off jacket*

*Straightens bow tie*

*Fastens cufflinks*

*Ahem*

“That’s what she said”

Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.

I clicked on one of those DM messages

And now it burns when I tweet

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity