There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
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Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Me: *Trying to let go of the past and live in the present.*
iPhone: Here are 20 slideshows of people who ruined your life.
Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
today my coworker unknowingly told Zooey Deschanel that she “looks like Zooey Deschanel but older” ⚰️
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Look, I didn’t mean to upset your grandma.
All I said the best place to be in a human centipede is in the front.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.