There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
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They did not think through this water fountain
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.