There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
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OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?