Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever

Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.

Good: Waking up every day

Bad: in 2020

Me: “Wait. You want me to go out shopping, pay for the presents, wrap them up, and then tell my family and friends they were from you?”
Santa: “I mean, when you say it like that it sounds kinda bad.”

Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.

Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”

The picture:

The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie

The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now

I’d use my best pan on you.

I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.

Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.

Over the fence to our neighbour:

‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’

Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.

Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.

can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo not

do not @ me i wo not answer

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.

The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes

#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!

Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.

😂🤣😂🤣

Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.

Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys

How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?

me: *waking up* who’s there

monster under bed: hi

me: *shaking* omg you’re real

monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you

me: oh

monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy

me: dad?

monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax

Dog: [with a ball] throw this

Human: ok

Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth

Human: what

I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house

“Do you want to hold my baby?”

Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.

My fortune cookie message read :

“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….

Uh huh ….

doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark

me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right

doctor: you no longer have legs

me: just like a shark

[couples therapy]

Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!

Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.

[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]

nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?

me: laughter

nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-

me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.