Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.

Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?

If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot

Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.

Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.

Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.

My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.

I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.

He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.

*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.

Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us

Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no

Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.

Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.

how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours

I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes

How do villains get henchman? Networking? Asking because I’m thinking about being one but i hate networking

Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.

ME: That’s beautiful.

CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.

ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.

they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard

falling in love with me is cool more people should do it

It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.

Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.

Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars

Genie: done. and your second?

Me: infinite money

Genie: no can do

Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now

“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me

Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.

[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit

I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.

if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown

I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame