Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Senator Clinton, what will you do now?

Hillary: Divorce Bill.

If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin

My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me

Don’t let the woman with a smile on her face fool you … Oikos High Protein Yogurt tastes like feet.

What is the HOA going to do about the noisy kids who keep coming in my house and demanding dinner and calling me mom

Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)

Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?

So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.

♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫

Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve

Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off

Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”

Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.

You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now

i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane

A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:

1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”

this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid

I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”

your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice

America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.

OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?

Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.

Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.

“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*

Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—

Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead

shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”

Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t fun

How’s your summer going?

Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.

Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.

when you are just born a rebel

If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.