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good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.