Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.

my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect

I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?

Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.

[on a date]

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”

[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok

” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium

[i arrive in hell]

Satan: welcome

Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol

Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up

Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao

Satan:

Me:

Satan:

[i arrive in super hell]

Waiter: here’s your milksha-

James Bond: grrrrrrr

Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred

[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*

Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.

Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.

I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.

Me: You ever have conversations in your head?

Me: No.

Me: Me neither

No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.

DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers

If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.

On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.

it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..

Teacher: Name the five senses

Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashion

Teacher:

Me: *counting on fingers* What?

HER: so what do you do?

ME: i’m a mathemagician

HER: you mean a mathematician?

ME: [divides by zero] no

Young people are too young nowadays. Back in the good old days, young people were my age.

Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime

Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.

You’re in a pickle…oh okay that sounds nice, can it be bread and butter please?

barber: your hair is so dry

pavlov: i forgot to condition it

Oh my God. Where are you?

Car keys: LMFAO

My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.

Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?

Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.

Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby

*At the bar

Me)May I sit here?

Her)I have a boyfriend

Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down