There are no kids named Durf if you’re looking for a void to fill.
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If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?
Me: I need printer ink.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*