There are no longer any other acceptable ways to measure wind speed.

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Ariana Grande would be the first kid on the factory tour taken away by the Oompa Loompas.


If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.


*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.


[In emergency room]

Her: How in the world did you get stabbed?

[Flashback to me jousting with the neighborhood kids on bicycles]

Me: I tried to rob a liquor store.


My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.


Hi I’m Charlie Brown, the depressed 10-year-old who can’t kick a football. I’d like to talk to you for a second about insurance


Me: What’s your dad do?
Kid: My dad? He’s an actor
Me: Why? Couldn’t you get a real dad?


Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny