@drinksmcgee

There are no longer any other acceptable ways to measure wind speed.

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@LizHackett

Ariana Grande would be the first kid on the factory tour taken away by the Oompa Loompas.

@AbbyHasIssues

If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.

@aka_fatman

*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.

@auntyawwun

[In emergency room]

Her: How in the world did you get stabbed?

[Flashback to me jousting with the neighborhood kids on bicycles]

Me: I tried to rob a liquor store.

@Rollinintheseat

My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.

@briangaar

Hi I’m Charlie Brown, the depressed 10-year-old who can’t kick a football. I’d like to talk to you for a second about insurance

@abbycohenwl

Me: What’s your dad do?
Kid: My dad? He’s an actor
Me: Why? Couldn’t you get a real dad?

@Chhapiness

Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny