Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what the hell pray for carter everyone

good work, detective

I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:

“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”

So far, they’re crushing it

Him: There’s a snake in the house. Do you want to stay at my mom’s?
Me: How big is the snake?

My safe word is extra cheese

…in queso emergency.

Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.

[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!

Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..

Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.

Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.

Important reminders

I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.

Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.

To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.

You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.

hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)

It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.

did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment

Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in

I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.

Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”

Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”

*patting my infant son on the back*

you can fit a whole airplane in this baby

You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.

The Blob: Bakery Beginning!

If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?

Wanted:

Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.

No weirdos.

So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.

My 4-year-old Nephew told me a school friend gave him her address so he can go over for play dates.

The address:

I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.

In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”