There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
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Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better