There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
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Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Sometimes American Magic is the only way to go.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.