Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.

her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?

me: bears

I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.

Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.

People say “Home is where the heart is”.

Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.

Idiots.

My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv

Jungle book…she meant jungle book

shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch

Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down

I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.

Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.

Now, I don’t even walk into the right room

A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.

If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?

Him: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.

😭😭😭😭

ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?

unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?

dm celine dion, please.

︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎

1st date: I love the spiderman movies

Me: So do I

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: I used to be a spider

I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.

No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.

“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.

Me: What do you want for dinner?

Child: McDonald’s.

Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?

Child: A Happy Meal.

At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.

Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel

My blood type is coffee.

I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.

It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy

my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”

Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.

satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo

Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.