There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
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[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
My boss just texted me and said,“Send me one of your funny jokes please.”
I replied “ I’m working hard at the moment,I will send you one later.”He replied, “That was fantastic,send me another one.”
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…