There are no pants in heaven.
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[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
The Eggorcist
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’