There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
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I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
The only way I could enjoy a shower more is if my showerhead made a thunder sound when it came on so I could pretend I am a leafy head of lettuce in there
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.