*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
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going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Everytime I check my facebook I remember why i’m on Twitter.
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*sets phone on fire*
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.