@mommajessiec

There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.

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@Brianhopecomedy

*Puts on muscle shirt*

*Looks in mirror*

Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.

@megchambe

going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people

@Lisabug74

I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.

@AnnietheNanny1

*getting murdered*

WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*

Okay, proceed.

@dorsalstream

[me as a snake handler]

Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.

@heymonroe

All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?

@JessObsess

I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.

@audipenny

friend: let’s meet up soon

me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though

@chuuew

I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.