There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
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13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.