There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
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After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
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