Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

* Psychic Job Fair *

Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired

ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there

KIDNAPPER: shut up

ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?

KIDNAPPER: no, quiet

ME: you should have gagged me

KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out

ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone

ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery

They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton

The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.

It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.

I’m fine by the way.

*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*

I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class

Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole

Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.

Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight

Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-

Me: *inhales*

Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.

Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:

Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.

To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere

I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?

Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.

being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot

me: a weirdo broke into my house

cop: are you positive it was a weirdo

me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me

How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”

I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.

That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring

Truth

Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.

Me: ready to visit grandma?

Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?

Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.

me: hi do you take walk ins?

funeral parlor director: what?

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother

FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always

CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing

FAIRY GODMOTHER:

CINDERELLA:

FAIRY GODMOTHER:

CINDERELLA:

FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin

Roses are red
Violets are blue…

Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.