There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
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I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Santa doesn’t check the naughty list anymore he just looks at your Twitter account.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!