Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution

Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.

date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes

Thanks for the swallow!

-bird collectors (you perv!!!)

If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.

Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger

My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.

me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man

Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!

Me: No, that’s just God crying.

*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*

Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?

Me: Define “someone”

Mom: You know, a boyfriend.

Me: Define “boyfriend”

Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.

If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.

me: i have test anxiety

classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers

jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D

My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese

I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever

The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.

Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*

Them: You need to live in the present.

Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*

If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi

vet: I need to give your dog some shots

me: no he doesn’t drink

Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening

Her: that is literally what I just said

This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.

waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain

Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.

*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*

Well that sucked.

Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy

If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.

My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.

Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*

*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*

this is why I drink