Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.

“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.

Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks

If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.

People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle

The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble

my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz

her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?

me: he’s my life coach

her: you wanna go to olive garden?

*duck whispers in my ear*

me: that’s a yes

Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….

Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.

I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.

Her: Does that dog actually play chess?

Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.

*Dog Barks

Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.

doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety

me: whose side are you on?

What the dentist sees

I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle

#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license

bro: she stressing u out g??

me:

security at this bar said no outside food and I said this is my “emotional support wonton soup” and he said “what” and I got quiet but we’re inside now

I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.

Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.

Me: I feel like I look cute today.

Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.

I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.

It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others

You better wish for more oil

Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?

Dude: no

Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway

i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil

please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.

Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”

Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up

Multitask? I can barely unitask

so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not