Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.

Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.

[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks

Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”

WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?

SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN

Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.

*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes

Me: what did you get into??

8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.

Justify your alcoholism by having children.

[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.

boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.

bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!

[everyone freezes]

bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet

Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)

My Dad: No!

Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up

Years Later

My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)

My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”

We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.

But I’m the one that needs meds?

Found this absolute gem on the floor at work???

The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers

it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel

officer: fair enough

The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums

No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.

Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?

Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out

I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat

awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls

Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest

me: it’s our third date, you know what this means

him: *confidently* I think I do

me: *saves his number in my contacts*

Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”

[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?

[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?

When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.

That’s the moment you wish you had kids.

#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”

My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.