Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“

My first son he is wonderful

What is going on here?

Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?

You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day

UPS GUY: Just sign for the package

Guy: so what u up to after this?

Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley

Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?

Original Oreos.

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.

CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-

“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times

“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers

How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?

Using a Luigi board!

Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering

FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!

ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*

I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.

Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time

I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.

Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down

robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot

me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble

robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich

me: what do you think is in my wallet

Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.

sistine chapel

Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.

who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?

Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?

Friend: we can do a mock interview

Me: ok

Friend: why should we hire you

Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu

Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.

me: *applies to cult*

cult: no thx

[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.

Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.

I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds

I’m in New Orleans for the weekend. It must be tough to be a drunk in this city, I’ve yet to encounter a level sidewalk

Him: I’d like to hear you scream.

Me: *screams like a banshee*