Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.

I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.

Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.

“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”

[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall

You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.

Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.

I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits

“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.

Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”

[The glare was EPIC]

PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?

[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me

Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:

Pick up a kid

Unlock a door

Load a rolled rug into your trunk

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE

DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?

DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.

They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.

Today I’m golfing.

Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.

Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.

Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.

My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,

If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.

I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.

Well he called it a receipt…whatever.

[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]

My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”

I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…

I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.

Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.

I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there

Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.

Jane: I miss England

Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant

What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?