Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”

– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.

Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.

Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?

8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*

*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please

I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”

Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.

she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza

Fitbit: Time for a walk

Me: *walks to snack machine

Her: We had our friend for dinner.

Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.

Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.

Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”

The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”

🛁

Dream inside a dream
 – inception

Inn inside an inn
 – innception

Re: Re:
 – reception

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
 – email from your gran

A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.

typical orange cat and void cat behavior

A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.

MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!

ME: that is sound advice

My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.

Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.

NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?

ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]

penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling

Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.

Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.

Get off of twitter and pay attention to me

Netflix, probably

getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.

WWE is French for “yes”

Me: I like naughty girls

Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*

Me: Not you

Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?

Me: I got it for my girlfriend.

Indian Chief: Good trade.

[out to eat with in-laws]

Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne

Wife: Hey these are my parents

Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water