Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

opening a star wars pub called bar bar binks

when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken

*learning CPR*

CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.

I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.

The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.

my friends when i can’t do basic math

date: I love a man who’s self aware

me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring

date: *gets super turned on*

Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.

I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.

Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.

My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.

My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…

neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?

me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.

there is literally nothing you could do at a mcdonalds that would cause a whale to call the cops

Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”

Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”

My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.

[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.

“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”

People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old

our love will go down in history

like the Hindenburg

Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.

My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.

I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.

I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”

I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.

Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.

Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.

Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…

Me: That’s all I got my man.

Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.

There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.

Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.

*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*

it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware