there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs
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*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
BRAKING NEWS!!
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate