there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs
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The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
He probably could have just called himself “Andre.” I think I would have figured out The Giant part on my own.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)
My Dad: No!
Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up
Years Later
My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)
My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Feels like there should be a middle ground
