there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs
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Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
I have no passwords left in me
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Lady in the park:
Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion
Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.