Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.

[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy

JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?

What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?

Fleeced Navidad

#GoldCrackers

[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]

Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar

Passport photographer: No

A book written by and for chickens is called a bok

WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?

ME: *climbing in* I can try

Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.

Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.

Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.

graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday

My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers

Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.

houseguest: is this a pull out couch

me: no we kind of just hope for the best

Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!

Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.

Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.

My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.

legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them

Them: I know you mean well –

Me: I absolutely do not

Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus

Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.

18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days

5: water poops dirt

me: only bodies poop

5: you said the lake is a body of water

me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own

i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.

[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*

I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.

2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.

BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.

Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..

INTERLOCKED FINGERS?

send bail money!