There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
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“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins