Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.

Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.

Me: No kidding.

Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.

I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.

Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.

[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this

AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”

Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”

Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?

WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey

I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.

According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later

you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute

Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.

Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it

the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet

First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”

[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]

“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”

The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.

“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.

Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes

Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.

5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.

Me: OK

5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!

Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*

5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.

Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.

SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it

[a light glows in the corner]

ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?

me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!

my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami

Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president

Just how popey was the pope today?

Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending

You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.

People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together

I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.

Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake

Me: aww you must really love cake

Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess

Frankenstein: “Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to write a story about you!”

And thus, Frankenstein’s not-so-popular Mary Shelley biography was born.