There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
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[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
(Musicians.)
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Always the camel, never the toe.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Laser tag makes me realize how quickly I will die in the laser wars
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
adam and eve had first world problems
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us