there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
I just saw three bowls of dessert.
I think they were thrice pudding.
#RateMyPun
#LunchPun
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
The legends were true
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
