there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
