there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
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I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College