There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
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Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
I can’t wait til I have hearing aids, so I can just turn them off when I’m tired of hearing everyone.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all