There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
You Might Also Like
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.