Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.

[Wedding Day]

FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!

ME: it’s always today, janet

If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently

*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*

Now love me.

**POOF**

*my left eyebrow falls off*

I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.

ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film

HIPSTER: I preferred the original

M: Original? What original?

H: Nosfera One.

Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.

*first date*

Her: I’m a criminologist.

Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.

I’ve decided to become a huge sellout and abandon my core values for cheap cash. Who want to buy my values?

…Anybody?

Hmmm… I thought this would be easier.

Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed

career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons

Santa is always broke after Christmas.

That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts

I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once

It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently

I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.

wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices

me: ok, let’s start tomorrow

[next day]

me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home

wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!

In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.

Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube

Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos

Times when calories don’t count:

1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner

2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack

3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot

4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did

[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model

i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about

Him: What long nails you have!

Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.

*dating is easy

Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident

Me: I’m older and wider

Them: don’t you mean “wiser”

Me: nope

10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?

Me: Go to your room.

If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.

*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*

me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”

The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now

Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.

This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.

We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.

Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.

Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.