There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
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I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom