There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
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my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Look at this
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
when I bought these the cashier gave me a promo code for Better Help
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Buying a well is money well spent.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade