Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear Diary—

Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”

I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.

a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week

Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.

Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.

Paramedic: What happened?

Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.

Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*

In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store

My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.

23. the denim jacket

*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.

Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!

Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*

B Boys: not like that

judge: how can this be your defense?

me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?

FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you

SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet

I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.

[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”

hi, how are you?

–yoda asking how high you are

Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.

Nope, not until now, dude.

I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight

Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner

Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you

me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy

husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-

me:

husband: I’ll go get more batteries

It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight

I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.

I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…

[hiding under bed from murderer]

cellmate: I know you’re there

[1st day working at appliance store]

CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?

ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay

One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?

Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3

“I’m an actress”

I watched your web series, and I disagree.