Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stick it to the man

I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.

The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.

frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.

‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’

– Christian Rock

Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine

Had an outline tattoo done on my shoulder and when my friends are sad I let them colour it in

Everyone needs a shoulder to crayon…

Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.

It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.

All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.

if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry

No one

Absolutely no one

My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?

Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something

Ouija board: s o m e t-

Wife: that’s him

“That’s what” – She

I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.

My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.

Some people come into your life for a reason.

Like for target practice.

ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane

I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.

do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay

“I want to request the next book in this series.”
“Sorry, it looks like that title isn’t coming out until sometime next year.”
“So are you saying you can’t request it?”
“Not yet, no.”
“See, this is why I hate libraries.”
“No, this is why you hate linear time.”

I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……

inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.

[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady

I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.

I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.

Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark

Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign

You should be able to google why a couple broke up

Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.