There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
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Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
me missing my flight to montreal bc i didn’t know you needed a passport to go canada has become my ‘mispronounced word’ for my friends. whenever i’m about to do anything they go “do you need a passport?” it’s not even a funny joke. and i must live with it for the rest of my life
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.