There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
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Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.
Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all