There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.
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Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Man, how coked up was the guy that came up with teenage mutant ninja turtles
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
I could die and my boss would hold a seance to ask if I have my shift covered.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.