There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.
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Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting![]()
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
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The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune