there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company
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Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
As a child I was worried I may have a thing for lions when watching Nala’s ‘come to bed’ eyes in lion king. Never pursued this thankfully.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
wake up babe a new cause of homosexuality just dropped
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
My next door neighbor just stole my gate and I want to confront him about it…
But I’m worried he might take a fence.
#Jokes
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
technique
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang