There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
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Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
My therapist after every session
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
If your so called friends come out of the woodwork when you’re successful I have news for you. Your friends are probably termites. Humans can’t do that. Congrats on the success tho.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Every
Single
Year
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
I used to work for a large pharmaceutical company. I used to host a load of fake meetings in the nice meeting room, just so me and my colleagues could have a free coffee and biscuits.