There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
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girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145
If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:
1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”They inhale deeply…
I’m calling the cops.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.