There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
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It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
As a child all I wanted was as to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Something I have limited time to finish.
Boss: Oh, okay. I’ll leave you to it, then.
Me: [goes back to Prime Day shopping]
My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
A warm tortilla will open up your pores nicely. Don’t ask me how I know this.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”