There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
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“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
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Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
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My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me