Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold

How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?

Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.

Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!

Me: Weird…

oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer

I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.

The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.

No time to explain get in the wood chipper

All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream

“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application

I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..

and softly whisper…

“I’ll do your housework for you”

Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…

….

The swallow

*walks offstage

*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*

I wish I had a better metabolism

What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond

Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework

House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial

Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age

Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older

The range on this guy!

[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]

34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time

Fun Fact:

Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.

Got a light

Now, where’s the sport in that?

DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple

I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑

Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone

No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.

Me: oh shit I am running so late

My dog: [barfs]

The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.

“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.