Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?

I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls

*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here

woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows

Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?

Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.

If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???

I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?

I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.

She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”

Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.

My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.

Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.

A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler

Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW

“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”

Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :

Me: we can all get along and live in unity

Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t

Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?

BF: Haha your hair!

Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures

Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”

What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”

Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.

writer: it’s based on a book

movie producer: ok

writer: about a boy who lived

producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave

writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat

producer: wait

I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.

Turtles made out of plastic straws, problem solved

Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”

And he can, he can hold them all.

Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.

I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking

I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom

Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice