There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
You Might Also Like
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Bf dropped his head for a full 30 seconds of silence bc he was explaining the stock market crash to me and I sagely supplied “it’s because mercury went into retrograde yesterday”
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
How fast is milk?
It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
If hiding things in the trash from my kids were an Olympic sport, I’d be a disgrace to my country.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]