Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]

11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep

When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”

Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.

NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.

GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.

I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.

Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵‍💫

Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?

New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.

There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.

Boss-You’re Always the first one here!

Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?

*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting

There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like

It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.

I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.

[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this

My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then

little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away

I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.

cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them

Me: inside me there are two wolves

Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??

Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though

What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:

10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)

Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?

[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]

DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole

CONTESTANT: what?

[hole opens in the ground]

Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?

Are you even trying to keep him alive?

My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”

Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.

My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool

Always stretch before playing billiards or you might pool a muscle

Its a hippotatomus

911: Did you ring yesterday?

Boy: No

911: Day before?

Boy: Definitely not

911: Your voice is familiar

Boy: Please just help

911: Ok can you describe your attacker?

Boy: It’s a wolf

911: Oh for fu