Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3

I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible

I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.

My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”

Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”

I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it

My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.

“And I want video games and new shoes and….”

Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!

BaD BoY!!

I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.

Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.

Parole officer: Come in and take a seat

[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*

Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?

Her: well it does now

I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.

Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder years

Wonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn

It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.

My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri

No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.

*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall

Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call

Me: I bet it starts with an 8

My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.

My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.

Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.

Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.

IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS

ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it

me: salt rim please.
barista: what.

Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.

Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.

My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives

Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”