There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
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My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.
Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?