There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
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My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
My husband says he doesn’t understand why I hate grocery shopping so much, because he doesn’t mind it. And by “grocery shopping,” he means a quick run to the store for ice cream, treats, and snacks. You know, the “essentials.”
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away